SONG 4: Eternal Sunshine (Demo Version)

Eternal Sunshine is the oldest song on here. I wrote this as a last minute song for a uni assignment and found that the pressure really helped with writing. There were 3 other songs in the same assignment and out of all of them this was my favourite. As the title suggests it’s written using the film ‘Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind’ one of my favourite films. “Using” is a key word there, the song isn’t about the film, I used parts of the visuals, like the sand and the sea coming into the house, to express how I felt at the stage when I wrote it. This was towards the middle of my second year of uni, just as the weather was becoming warm enough to sit out the front of the university again and when I’d been in the relationship for a few months. I didn’t feel there was much wrong about it I was just spending, what I now know is, an abnormal amount of time in their company.

I was still dealing with a lot. She had depression and a drug issue, as well as financial issues that were all affecting my own well-being. I saw someone in a lot of pain and was trying to help alleviate some of that in any way I could, but, in doing so I made so much room for her that there wasn’t any room left for myself. I became more reserved, more anxious, struggled with motivation, and spent most days carrying a weight in my chest that refused to lighten. I wasn’t expressing any of this. The nights spent comforting someone else and only seeing their anger, frustration, and pain drained me, made me apathetic to my own life. I think it was so easy to end up in this because I didn’t really understand who I was yet and a deep insecurity meant I wanted to be someone people needed rather than wanted to be around. My need to feel valued and her need to feel validated and loved created above all others created a destructive and co-dependant love. Instead of being able to work through this and change, to have an inherent value and self-love, we chose to remain together and suffer.

Eternal Sunshine Lyrics:

You forget

How suddenly

The sea comes in

The sand pours in

And our time

Is limited

But I just need this done

I know I'm not your only one

So I'll lay here

Chasing you

Just trying to run you down

I wish I could forget what I've found

And I wanted

What we've got

But I don't want it now

Wish I'd stayed in this old house

And I'll take the first train to Montauk

I don't know why, it's getting impulsive

And I know a break is coming

But right now I don't want it

I think I knew that all along and I definitely harboured some resentment about it. Some of it leaks into the song and my doubts about the relationship stick in the lyrics like splinters, never truly pulled out and examined because I can’t be suffering when she is suffering so much more. All of this and still using the same metaphor of the film to comfort saying that “love is messy and takes effort and I’m going to try even if it ends”. Hiding behind this instead of seeing truth.

That's the last of the blog posts about the songs. The rest will break this formula and probably gradually sound more like rambling. But they are a product of process so need to be included. The EP releases tomorrow and I'm very proud of it. Even if only a few people will listen to it I had a lot of fun making it and learnt so much about production and definitely about what not to do when recording. If you're one of the 3 people reading this I hope you've "enjoyed" a bit of background about the songs (not sure if "enjoyed" is the right word for writing as depressing as this) and I hope you like the songs and just in general have a good day :)

(this blog will now be a little less depressing).